I find that I identify with Gene Fowler....to a certain degree. Please keep that in mind as I go on about resilience and it's importance in our children and adolescents. (I do believe an important life skill is knowing when to take good advice and when to forge your own trail.)
We have all heard the stories of our parents and grandparents...how they walked miles to school each day....in three feet of snow....uphill...both ways! Television was in black and white....with three channels...if you were lucky enough to get the rooftop antenna adjusted. Corporal punishment was tolerated, and expected. Yes, we have all heard those stories, and we are so grateful for the improvements in our society.
No doubt, these circumstances were challenging and bred resilience in our parents and grandparents. It is evident and rooted in our American history. Today's children grow up in a very different world.
The world is their own...
cafeteria....
smorgasbord...
buffet....
however you woud like to describe it. Basically, they have anything and everything at their fingertips, and can pick and choose what they most desire...no matter how good, bad, or indulgent. And...if they don't like what they got the first time they can go back and get something else.
You are probably wondering where I am going with this...how are a tea cup, rubber band, cafeteria, smorgasbord, and buffet all related?
It all goes back to one of the most important attributes our children must develop before their adolescent years....
RESILIENCE
What is resilience? I wasn't introduced to this word until I had the esteemed privilege to hear from Dr. Robert Brooks himself at a school conference in Boston. He was a fantastic speaker and delivered such valuable information that it changed me as an educator and parent forever. So...what is it?
This is the definition Bing brought up for me...
Definition: re·sil·ience [ ri zíllyənss ]
1. speedy recovery from
problems: the ability to recover quickly from
setbacks
2. elasticity: the ability of matter to spring back quickly into shape after
being bent, stretched, or deformed
Dr. Tim Elmore highly accomplished professor and writer, says we are bringing up a generation of Tea Cups.
Our children are fragile because their world is a buffet, children that never have to learn how to live with their choices can toss what is left and go back for something different or negotiate for something better. It is a beautiful concept, that we do not have to live with the bad and the ugly, there is always something better that can replace it, but it isn't always reality when we get into grown up life. As much as we hate to see our children grow up too fast....and they do...part of childhood is learning coping skills from experiences that are not life threatening.
An example might be choosing the hot dog for dinner, and then realizing that he/she probably would have really liked the hamburger; however, he/she must learn to live with the decision of the hot dog. Next time he or she will make a better thought out decision.
All too often, we as parents, in an effort to comfort our child, will do everything in our power to erase the bad decision and the disappointment that goes along with it. That is wonderful too...that we love our children so much that we do not want them to hurt. God loved Adam and Eve in the same way, He never wanted them to feel pain, but their disobedience resulted in a world and life full of hurtful, painful, sad, and disappointing experiences. Now, we, as parents and teachers, must arm our children with the skills to cope with life's difficulties and bad decisions.
We need to bring up rubberbands...
children that can bounce back into shape after painful, hurtful, sad, or disappointing experiences.
Surely, we want to equip our kids with all the best tools to grow up and be successful into adulthood. Our job as a parent is to put ourselves out of work, as parents. Train our kids to be good productive citizens that can support themselves and contribute positively to society without our help.
In the early elementary years children learn "small potato" (yes, another food reference) lessons whether they forgot their homework , chose the hot dog when they really wanted the hamburger, decided to go out for soccer and learned he didn't like it, but played the entire season anyway. They will evolve into disagreements between friends, being called names by a fellow student, not seeing eye-to-eye with a teacher, saying something mean to a parent out of anger, or being excluded from a group of classmates. While we do not like to see our child hurt, these are opportunities to teach them coping skills in times of hurt, disappointment, and painful or difficult consequences. They learn to bounce back from the down times and learn that life goes on. Ultimately, they learn to forgive.
If we do not take advantage of these opportunities when they are younger they will not experience and learn the coping skills for the inevitable "big potato" problems will emerge in adolesence. These big potato problems are broken hearts, being cut from a team, not achieving the score on a test to get into that desired college, giving into peer pressure of alcohol or drug use, parents that tell them "no" they cannot drive to Colorado for an unsupervised ski trip (ok, that one might be personal reference), not winning a prestigious award that she was in the running for, losing the state championship...which, in our adult world are still small potato problems, but not to a teenager. When the child is resilient he or she will be able to pull themselves out of the pit of despair and get onto the next thing. These coping skills are necessary for adulthood...and the real big potato problems...
I didn't get the job I applied for.
I lost my job and only source of income.
My parent passed away unexpectedly of a heart attack.
My sibling has cancer.
Miscarriage or infertility
My marriage isn't working out as I expected.
My children hate me because I have expectations!
And the list could go on and on and on....
That is a lot to digest, so let's wrap this up...
Life experiences, if we allow our children to truly experience them without us stepping in and saving them, will help our children learn the coping skills to bounce back--resilience--a rubber band. Of course, this is done with discussion, boundaries, and loving support--even when it is hard.
If we run interference for our children in all difficult circumstances they never learn how to deal with their own problems, become fragile, and will be crushed under the pressure of real world problems--a tea cup.
Ultimately, we all want our children to be successful, fulfilled, and happy in their adult life. As adults we know that there are difficult times. To set our children up for success as adults we need to teach them the skills as children. Do you want your child to be a rubber band or a tea cup--resilient or fragile? Ask yourself, what am I doing to set my child up for future of success without me? Is my child resilient? Hands down, this is one of the most important qualities to ensure success beyond childhood and adolescence, and we learn much more from our mistakes than doing everything right...so let your son or daughter learn from small potato problems so they are less likely to get crushed by the big potato problems of adulthood.
Our children are fragile because their world is a buffet, children that never have to learn how to live with their choices can toss what is left and go back for something different or negotiate for something better. It is a beautiful concept, that we do not have to live with the bad and the ugly, there is always something better that can replace it, but it isn't always reality when we get into grown up life. As much as we hate to see our children grow up too fast....and they do...part of childhood is learning coping skills from experiences that are not life threatening.
An example might be choosing the hot dog for dinner, and then realizing that he/she probably would have really liked the hamburger; however, he/she must learn to live with the decision of the hot dog. Next time he or she will make a better thought out decision.
All too often, we as parents, in an effort to comfort our child, will do everything in our power to erase the bad decision and the disappointment that goes along with it. That is wonderful too...that we love our children so much that we do not want them to hurt. God loved Adam and Eve in the same way, He never wanted them to feel pain, but their disobedience resulted in a world and life full of hurtful, painful, sad, and disappointing experiences. Now, we, as parents and teachers, must arm our children with the skills to cope with life's difficulties and bad decisions.
We need to bring up rubberbands...
children that can bounce back into shape after painful, hurtful, sad, or disappointing experiences.
Surely, we want to equip our kids with all the best tools to grow up and be successful into adulthood. Our job as a parent is to put ourselves out of work, as parents. Train our kids to be good productive citizens that can support themselves and contribute positively to society without our help.
In the early elementary years children learn "small potato" (yes, another food reference) lessons whether they forgot their homework , chose the hot dog when they really wanted the hamburger, decided to go out for soccer and learned he didn't like it, but played the entire season anyway. They will evolve into disagreements between friends, being called names by a fellow student, not seeing eye-to-eye with a teacher, saying something mean to a parent out of anger, or being excluded from a group of classmates. While we do not like to see our child hurt, these are opportunities to teach them coping skills in times of hurt, disappointment, and painful or difficult consequences. They learn to bounce back from the down times and learn that life goes on. Ultimately, they learn to forgive.
If we do not take advantage of these opportunities when they are younger they will not experience and learn the coping skills for the inevitable "big potato" problems will emerge in adolesence. These big potato problems are broken hearts, being cut from a team, not achieving the score on a test to get into that desired college, giving into peer pressure of alcohol or drug use, parents that tell them "no" they cannot drive to Colorado for an unsupervised ski trip (ok, that one might be personal reference), not winning a prestigious award that she was in the running for, losing the state championship...which, in our adult world are still small potato problems, but not to a teenager. When the child is resilient he or she will be able to pull themselves out of the pit of despair and get onto the next thing. These coping skills are necessary for adulthood...and the real big potato problems...
I didn't get the job I applied for.
I lost my job and only source of income.
My parent passed away unexpectedly of a heart attack.
My sibling has cancer.
Miscarriage or infertility
My marriage isn't working out as I expected.
My children hate me because I have expectations!
And the list could go on and on and on....
That is a lot to digest, so let's wrap this up...
Life experiences, if we allow our children to truly experience them without us stepping in and saving them, will help our children learn the coping skills to bounce back--resilience--a rubber band. Of course, this is done with discussion, boundaries, and loving support--even when it is hard.
If we run interference for our children in all difficult circumstances they never learn how to deal with their own problems, become fragile, and will be crushed under the pressure of real world problems--a tea cup.
Ultimately, we all want our children to be successful, fulfilled, and happy in their adult life. As adults we know that there are difficult times. To set our children up for success as adults we need to teach them the skills as children. Do you want your child to be a rubber band or a tea cup--resilient or fragile? Ask yourself, what am I doing to set my child up for future of success without me? Is my child resilient? Hands down, this is one of the most important qualities to ensure success beyond childhood and adolescence, and we learn much more from our mistakes than doing everything right...so let your son or daughter learn from small potato problems so they are less likely to get crushed by the big potato problems of adulthood.
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